The Bachelorette Week 11: The Most Unshocking Shocking Conclusion of The Bachelorette in Bachelorette History

The Bachelorette picks up right where we left off last week, with a weepy Desiree in a wicker chair being comforted by Chris Harrison,  who it turns out, is really bad at comforting. "Are you ok?," he asks. "Yes," Des replies. "But you're not," he says and then watches as she melts into a puddle of sad. She's heart broken, but she's contractually obligated (I assume), so the show goes on with a teary rose ceremony. Both Chris and Drew get a rose because ABC needs to milk one more episode out of this thing.

Des hops back in the literal saddle and begins a horseback date with Drew. They make some very small talk about the beauty of the island, and Des asks if Drew has been enjoying himself. "Yes," he says. "Have you been to the pool?," she asks. "No." "To the beach?" "No. Just hanging out in my hotel room."  It confirms our suspicions that Drew i s nothing more than a handsome robot. Once off camera he powers down and sits on the edge of his bed until his next date with Des. This is the creepy straw that breaks Des The Camel's back, and it's a swift sianara to Drew.

And then there was Chris. Every time I look at him, I see this:

So it's fitting that booger is an anagram for goober. We've seen this goober's boogers. But he's a goober who doesn't give up, and seems pretty okay with winning by virtue of not having left already and not being a handsome robot.  And Des seems pretty okay with him winning by virtue of not having left already and not being a handsome robot. 

So yeah. Chris takes it. He chooses a Neil Lane diamond, he asks Des to have his babies and grow old with him. In response she first clarifies just how much she loved Brooks, you know, a week ago, and then accepts his proposal to get wrinkly together. My heart breaks because neither of them attempt to rhyme anything the whole episode. 

So I hope you too were delighted when, during the After The Final Rose Ceremony Chris presenrs Des with what he calls his latest "piece". A poem framed with the dried rose petals. Really. The poem reads:

My Girl
A Poem by Chris Siegfried

I found the woman of my dreams
She is now by my side every day
The love that is eternal and full of passion
will keep us together and never go away
I get to hold you and hug you
I get to kiss you and love you
Like a drum my heart never stops beating
And I will always be there for you
You are the one. You are the one for me
The only one I want
The only way I want this to continue
is with you in my life, every moment
Always meant to be.
Fall forward with me. Forever.
I love you.

"The only thing that rhymes with 'you' is 'you'" is totally what Chris thought when he wrote this.
Other highlights of the ATFRC include Brooks looking sharp in a suit and haircut, and Drew still  being a handsome robot. I'm so glad this is over and I never have to hear Des say, "To be honest" or "You look so adorable" ever again.

Luckily, the future of this franchise is bright and named Juan Pablo. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bachelor:

See you there. 

The Bachelorette Week 10: Fantasy Bittersweets

This just got real.

Des starts the Antigue episode by proclaiming that Drew's smile lights up a room, Chris is hot and athletic, but Brooks has her heart, so pack it up everyone, the fat lady's singing.

So it's difficult not to feel bad for Drew when he smothers Des with prolonged kisses and "I love yous" and talk of the rest of their life. It's difficult not to think really judgmental thoughts about Des when she agrees to Forgo Her Individual Room And Spend The Night Together As A Couple In The Fantasy Suite, because, you know, she's made it very clear that this guy doesn't have a chance.

"OK, you guys can leave now"

Des dresses as Jenny from Forest Gump to meet Chris. 

Forest would run from this.

Chris  asks Des how she feels about moving to Seattle and she completely sidesteps the question. Sp Chris pulls out the big guns and recites his worst poem to date:

It's exciting to see just how far this journey has taken us

From places I never knew existed, to places I've longed to see

All experiences you and I have shared together

And now here we are one week after you met my family

One week from the possibility of forever

I'm not nervous, I'm excited

It's hard to deny the connection we've made

The chemistry,  real compatibility, permanent friendship.

Piecing together this journey with new memories. 

Open to what is to come to us in the future

and excited to spend our lives together forever.

 Either it works or Des will Forgo Her Individual Room And Spend The Night Together As A Couple In The Fantasy Suite with just about anyone. Chris and Des make out in a hot tub, I guess because she wants to do as much macking as she possibly can before she has to conform to the monogamous lifestyle.

Meanwhile, Brooks pours his tortured heart out to his mom and sister. The thought of proposing to Des makes him uncomfortable, he claims. I think maybe Brooks has never seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette. If he had, he'd know that a proposal at the season's finale is nothing more than a "good job you won" prize and a few weeks worth of fame before both parties split the cost of the Neil Lane diamond and go their separate ways. Chris Harrison seems to agree with me because he pulls this face during his entire conversation with Brooks:

Is this a joke?

Resolved that Des is not the love of his life, Brooks solemnly leaves to find Des. Des greets him wearing this:

Someone in the wardrobe department really hates her.

Which probably makes the dumping a little easier for Brooks. Dump her he does, and the two spend what feels like three hours doing this:

"Why?!," she asks over and over.

The cynical blogger in me says "Well played, brooks." Having established himself as totally ready for commitment and just looking for the right person, he's returning to Utah, the land of extremely beautiful women, looking single, wounded,  and ready for some tender loving. Well played, right?

But then part of me thinks that maybe he is taking this seriously and just trying to do right by Desiree. The latter option makes for oddly compelling television, which brings us to option 3/c: the producers staged the entire thing because the season up until this point has been like watching paint dry after taking an ambien after staying awake for 57 hours. Way to spice things up, guys. It totally worked because I can't wait to watch more men cry next week. See you then. 

The Bachelorette Week 9: The Men Tell Tall

AKA,  The women in the audience do hilarious things with their faces.

The night  starts out with Des and Chris Harrison popping in on some poor, unsuspecting viewers. Imagine you're sitting on the couch, laughing at Des and commenting on how weird her skirt is, when all the sudden she shows up at your front door. That's really going to ruin the episode for you.  You have to say things to her. Things like, "I like the way you pretended to listen to what that guy was saying," and "It's impressive how well your make up stays on when you cry."

One viewing party was bombarded with not only Des and Chris, but Ashley, JP, and some other franchise veterans with babies. I hope they had enough refreshments to go around. And extra diapers.

Then we're subjected to some girl talk between Allie, Emily, Ashley and Des. They discuss the best way to deal with Bad Boys. Don't  ask Des to sing that song. Trust me.  Who are the bad boys, you ask? According to the hot seat sitters, it's Jonathon, The overly eager Fantasy Suiter, Ben, the made hated by all for no apparent reason, and James, the  man hoping to meet tall, successful women in Chicago.

Jonathon  apologizes.

Ben says "Where I'm from, you pursue 'em  pretty hard", and the world pitties his future girlfriend.

And then there's James,  whose defense is essentially that he could tell he wasn't going to win this thing and was planning for the future to soften the inevitable blow. High treason in The Bachelorette Universe. When Des, in her most "I've been betrayed" voice, reminds him that he was in a relationship, he reminds her that she was in  a relationship with twenty five men. It's a pretty valid point. Des scoffs. Point James.

We all amo Juan Pablo

The real takeaway from this too long very special hour is that Juan Pablo is the perfect man. He's our soccer playing single dad. He mentions Des in every conversation. He just wants someone to wake up to, eat dinner with, and go see movies together. I swear on Chris Harrison's ties that I cried a little bit while he spoke. Des is a complete idiot for letting him go. She fakes a Spanish accent and speaks to JP. It's borderline offensive. Des plays the "I sent you home to be with your daughter" card. I think the truth is that she ran out of Spanish phrases. She only knew two. What is wrong with you, Des?

Chris Harrison asks Zak just how heartbroken he is, makes him rewatch his life's saddest moment, then reveal what he wrote in invisible ink in the journal he gifted Des. "Love is it. The only reason to open your home to a stranger. The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom, no risk is too great, no apprehension justifiable. All hope is rooted in it, cause love is our only hope for happiness. And I am happy to say this is love." No, Zak, it really isn't.

Zak sings a song that he either forgot to finish writing or had to cut short due to time constraints. Des tries to look sad and shifts her eyes in a very unnatural way. This woman cries.

Beside reconnecting with Juan Pablo, the whole night is a boring wash, until the preview for THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, FOR REAL THIS TIME.

The audience reacts thusly:

I know, right?

Holy roses I can not wait for next week. Here's my prediction: Although previous previews led us to believe that Drew was the root of the drama, I think it's actually Brooks who makes one lady and three men she what looks to be a whole lotta tears. He must tell her that he's just not really that into it. Someone shoud have warned Des about those Utah boys. They'll break your heart, hon. I've been there. 

Bachelorette Week 8: But then it started snowing

Good news. I learned how to use my Print Screen button on my computer just in time for the Hometowns. I got a little image happy. You're welcome.

Hometown Date #1: Zak

At this point in the season it's pretty clear that Zak is the guy still around by default. He hasn't done anything atrocious enough to be sent home already, at least in  Des's opinion (many might consider showing up shirtless on night one fairly atrocious), but he is definitely not going to win. So when he comes prancing down the street in a penguin suit, I feel sad for him.

When Zak describes a dream in which he and Des melt into the sand but are then saved by snow and cups and thousands of children, I cringe, I wonder if it's an attempt to plug his family's snow-cone business, I wonder if he's on some sort of addictive substance, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak gives Des a ring he purchased in Atlantic City, I cringe, I wonder how much he paid for it, and I feel sad for him.

When Zak's sister and incredibly handsome brother serenade Des with a "Welcome to the family" song, I cringe, wonder if Des got the brother's number, and feel sad for Zak.

Des cries, I think out of guilt, because there's no way she can let the guy known for his fondness of his own abs win. Des and Zak kiss.  I cringe and I feel sad for Zak.

Hometown Date #2: Drew

When Des sees Drew in his native Scottsdale, she says, "You look adorable!", which is probably what Drew hoped for when he put on  his ballerina pink shirt in the  morning.  

Drew kisses Des too many times. I would say that Des always looks dissatisfied after their kisses, but I'm starting to think  that's just her face. 

The rest of their time together involves meeting Drew's severely handicapped sister. It's entirely un-mockable, so let's move on.

Hometown Date #3: Chris

Des says Chris is a blend of everything she's looking for in a man. He's athletic. He's adventurous. He's romantic. He's POETIC. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good one, Des. Oh. You're serious? Wow. Ok. Good for you. You're right. Those poems are...sweet?

Perhaps Des' fondness for Chris's "poetry" comes from an incredibly low standard for what's considered talent. Remember how she calls herself an artist? Here's a picture she drew for Chris:

That's Des on the left and Chris on the right.  They're labeled. 

Chris  is to the written word as Des is to art. Bad. But despite the quality, this picture is important. Only two men received gifts from Des, so Chris is obviously a top contender.

Des meeting Chris's family looks like this:

This is chiropractor dad George, realigning his son's girlfriend's back.  

This is chiropracter dad George, realigning his son's head via the nostrils.

It's weird.

Hometown Date #4: Brooks

Brooks is the other man to receive a gift from Desiree. If you can call this note a gift...

I wrote about three thousand of those notes in seventh grade. They were highlighted in bright colors. They were folded into triangles. They were written in curly handwriting.  I was twelve.

Des presents this list of special moments to Brooks and has to remind him of each line item. Remember, that time in the clouds? Remember that? Brooks is either  suffering from amnesia or just not that into Des. But that doesn't stop him from introducing her to a large group of Mormons.

We momos are big on hugging.

Des says, "This is the largets family I could ever think of." Oh sweetie. You don't even know. Spend another day in Liberty Park and you're sure to see a family of fifteen children show up at some point. Welcome to Utah.

Brooks lies through his teeth and tells his family he's in love, though he fails to express said devotion to Des. He's the single hold out, and, coincidentally or perhaps consequentially, the front runner.

Then, because nothing exciting has happened in weeks, the producers bring Nate, Des' infamous brother, to the LA hotel where Des resides. Sidebar: Why is she not back at the mansion? Is it being fumigated? Was it condemned? Did the neighbors finally complain about the cocktail parties?

Nate acts like a five year old, says he wants to get in  these guys' brains, and spends the rest of the night creeping behind walls.

Not surprisingly, Brooks,  Chris and Drew get roses. Zak does not. What follows is  a really long, pathetic and boring limo monologue about Zak's love life rut, his inability to find happiness, and his desire to spend his life with a special someone. The speech culminates in a dramatic throwing of the Atlantic City ring out the limo window. He must not have paid much for it. Here's a tip, Zak: Wear clothes.

Are you excited to see Michael, James and Mikey T. at the Men Tell All next week? Me neither.  BUT. The week after promises the long awaited Des melt down. It had better be good,  ABC. You've promised us lots of tears and you had better deliver.