The Bachelorette Week 6: Have you ever fart in the public?

A viking ship full of boys in pastel shorts sails into Venice, 

to meet the Queen of Love in her appropriately decor-ed gondola. 

She had to have borrowed that ride from an escort service, right?

The only dude who hasn't been on a one-on-one with Andi is Cody, so when Andi announces that there is no date card and the next date starts immediately, Cody all but waves goodbye to the group and reaches for Andi's hand. But....twist...Andi is actually taking Nick on her first Italian date.

Nick is pleased.

Cody is not.

The other men do not like Nick because Andi does. At the hotel they gossip and speculate and wonder if maybe Andi will send Nick home because of the drama from last week, drama which seemed completely fabricated and necessary only to stretch the show for two hours.

Nick and Andi do romantic Venice-y things like hold hands on a bridge,

I want that coat, like, yesterday

contract Avian Flu,

and clog their friends' Instagram feeds with selfies. 

#hats #luv #hott #followback

The group date card arrives back at the hotel. Cody's name is absent, meaning, yes, Cody, you finally get that one-on-one. Cody's muscles explode in excitement.

Nick and Andi make their gondola guy wish he had gone into a different profession.

Then prepare for dinner. Andi goes for an understated look

and understated location.

They talk, they resolve their completely made-up issues, and Andi roses Nick.

Then makes him wear a mask because when in Venice, invent your own venetian customs and enforce them on your lover. 

The next day Andi receives another note from her secret admirer. 

The editors employ this cinematic technique again because this show isn't stupid enough as is:

For the group date, Andi takes her men in waiting to a torture chamber

and introduces two guys who have definitely murdered and hid multiple bodies for the Italian mafia. 

Andi calls them, "Two of Italy's finest experts in administering and delivering Lie Detector Tests."

Super scary guy says something in Italian, and slightly less scary guy translates, "We are here to make with you a lie detector test."

This. THIS. This is what television should be. I would watch one hundred hours of Joe Pesci's evil cousin administering lie detector tests to single dudes.

The questions include "Are you here for the right reasons?", "Do you think you could fall in love with Andi?" and "Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?", to which Dylan answered NO?! No surprise that after the test he doesn't feel well and has to return to the hotel room. One can only walk around with poop on their hands for so long before coming down with hepatitis or dysentery.  Gross.

When asked, "Are you Andi's secret admirer?", Chris answers "yes." Chris becomes concerned that Andi will see this confession on the test results.

But luckily for Chris, Andi destroys the results. Andi, you fool. You may end up with Dylan and have to deal with a series of deadly, communicable diseases the rest of your life. 

Andi and the guys toast to trust and a day completely wasted.

Brian administers his own lie detector test and asks, "Do you want to make out?" Smooth. 

Markus drops the L word.

And Josh accuses Andi of not trusting him.

This upsets Andi, but it's hard to take her seriously when she's wearing the necklace she picked up at Joe's Surf Shack during spring break in seventh grade. 

Chris reveals his secret admiring identity.

Which turns out to be a smart move when he is rewarded with a rose.

JJ pouts and says, "I'm getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everyone else on getting roses and advancing." JJ is then burned at the stake.

For their date, Andi takes Cody to Verona. The two play Romeo and Juliette. Shakespeare moans in agony from the depths of his grave.

Then they visit the Juliette Club, an organization that receives and responds to letters about troubles in love. 

Cody is so inspired after spending the day responding to these letters that he writes his own epistle to Andi. 

In essence it says, "I can't wait for you to meet my mom and for us to get married and have lots of babies." His enthusiasm is a bit much.

Andi eventually has to cut him off mid-declaration of undying devotion to tell him she's just not feeling it. 

Week 6 is the best week because it always means the return of the limo-cam. Cody spends his ride to the airport crying and lamenting the love lost. 

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison shows up. What does Chris Harrison do all week? Does he sit at Italian cafes and sip red wine? Does he go out clubbing every night? Or is he hard at work on set, asking Andi and whatever boy she may be with if they can do that scene over again? We may never know. 

Chris and Andi have a heart to heart. Andi's had a bit of a rough week. She's doubting the process. It's going to be a tough rose ceremony. Usual week 6 stuff.

Look at that table full of boys. Six of them practice proper bathroom hygiene. One of them does not. Had she read those lie detector results, this would not be a tough call.

A quick aside: Some of Andi's dresses are complete misses. But this dress was a real hit. 

Andi presents roses to all but JJ,

who spends his ride to the airport lamenting love lost. 

I hope during this toast no one touches hands with Dylan.

See you next week.

The Bachelorette Week 3: Part 1: Separating the boys from the men

ABC is testing this blogger's limits and doing a two-night special event. By end of day tomorrow I may just be typing stream of consciousness nonsense about Chris Harrison's shirts and probably gay contestants. But for now, here's part 1:

This week starts with a fifteen minute commercial for the Bacara resort in Santa Barbara.

They use this same shot 15 times during the episode

Starring Andi, obvs.

"I'm so excited!," she grimaces.

Chris Harrison arrives at The House of Testosterone clad in a jacket every woman owns.

This guy knows what I'm talking about:

"I think my mom bought that coat at Talbots"

Chrissy presents the first date card which reads:

Nick, who we can now just call Nick instead of Nick First Letter of Last Name after the other Nick's departure a week prior, is pleased.

But cautious. "Let's be honest, what are the chances things are going to work out here?," he asks, making way too much sense for this show's comfort level, and making the other fellas mad. IS HE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS? Let's all murmur.

Nick and Andi spend a day on bikes in Santa Barabara. Nick rides into oncoming traffic, is hit by an SUV and dies.

Just kidding. Nick somehow dodges the Honda Pilot and lives to caress Andi on the beach.

"I'm not desperate for love," says Nick, the man who auditioned for The Bachelorette, right before getting knocked off his feet and dragged out to sea by a massive wave. Just kidding. Again. No he really said that, but he isn't currently marooned on a raft somewhere in the pacific.

Back at Camp Dude, Andrew and Marcus have a nice, topless chat. You know, like guys often do.

"It's questionable whether they're [Andi and Nick] going to be able to have a legitimate connection," Andrew says. 

"Check out the way my chest hair glistens in the sunlight," Marcus responds.

Also, the group date card arrives. 

A note about a note? Freaking meta.

Nick claims to be a skeptic about this whole Meet, Fall in Love, and Propose on Television thing, so Andi keeps reminding him how normal their date is. Doesn't every first date include a full camera crew?

And dinner at the Santa Barbara Courthouse? 

By dinner I mean sitting next to untouched food and asking awkward questions like, "How are you still single?"

Nick answers with stories of past relationships, maturity, humility, blah blah blah, then ultimately gets the rose.

Celebrations ensue.

Up-closer celebrations ensue.

"Kissing Nick is amazing," Andi shares with millions of viewers. And we're all like "It didn't sound amazing, sweetheart." But really, Team Bach, could we maybe take the sound effects down a notch? 

The next day, the group daters start off with some early morning alcohol.

"Yoloooooooo" -Bradley

Followed by a surprise race for the first hug. Patrick is the only competitor. 

Good job, buddy

Soon after, Andi and company enter a music academy and find Boys II Men singing on stage and looking like they already severely regret agreeing to do this.

Andi, however, is stoked to be putting these former celebrities through living Hell.

Soon the men break into groups and start rehearsal for their upcoming show later that day. Well, Bradley rehearses while everyone else imitates cats in a slaughterhouse.

A commercial break later and it's time to perform in front of a crowd at a shopping center because that's what the career of Boys II Men has come to. 

It doesn't go great.

But at least these two still look very happy together.

At the end of the day, only love matters

At the Manly Mansion, the final date card arrives.

Pantsaprenuer JJ is pleased.

Andi and the group date guys toast to their utter failure of a performance.

Then Andi takes Cody aside for a joke? She seems to think it's a joke anyway. She says the other men have been tell her things about Cody. That he has a girlfriend, "They said you have a girlfriend and that she's a stripper!" Andi cracks and laughs like a maniac. At least she's pretty?

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Thankfully, she quits the comedy and gets to some kissing. More specifically kissing Marcus:

And Josh:

And I guess we know who the better kisser is because Josh gets the rose:

The next day JJ wears these pants:

Fun accent pockets!

On a date. With a woman. 

But not just any woman, a young woman offensively dressed as a woman triple her age! A woman who wants to know what life would be like with JJ in fifty years. What a treat! As Andi tells JJ,"Head to toe, we are going to become old people together." Clearly, he can't wait:

The hair and makeup artists are kind to Andi:

I know no geriatrics with those brows, honey.

But not so kind to JJ:

To remind us that older citizens exist, the editors include this shot of an innocent park-goer. It's mean.

"This is really making me think seriously about JJ," Andi says while riding alongside JJ on Jazzy scooters, probably heading to DisneyLand, the Jazzy mecca.

A carousel? Close enough. Two young people dressed as old people and talking like old people share a horribly creepy kiss on an abandoned merry-go-round whilst a guy in a neon-orange shirt watches.

It's horrifying.

"If JJ and I had been married for 50 years, I think the day would have gone exactly how it did," Andi says because Andi apparently wants her future to be terrible.

The two finally get out of their agist costumes and don't eat their dinner.

Instead they talk, she gives him the rose, they kiss, the usual.

The next night, at the cocktail party, the men and Andi toast to Ron, who had to leave unexpectedly when a friend passed away. Andrews face is full of sympathy:

Eric is thrown off his game when Andi receives a massive bouquet during their chat. 

From Nick. Well played, Nick.

JJ and Josh confront Andrew about the time he got a hostess's phone number. A restaurant hostess. Not a hostess of the Twinkie or DingDong variety. 

A dingdong sounds really delicious right now.

Andrew is not amused.

Then again, so does a twinkie.

He walks away and into his room, emerging minutes later.

But not a chocolate cupcake because those are just less fun dingdongs.

He needed some time to get his story straight. The girl just gave him her number. He didn't brag about it. Anyone who heard him brag about it heard him wrong. 

The contention is too much for some:

I believe this is Andrew's lover Patrick, failing to defend his man's honor.

Unfortunately the cat fight is cut short by the start of the Rose Ceremony. 

Who planned the color scheme for this room and how are they still employed?

All get roses but Brett and Bradley.

Brett gives the normal spiell about being too nervous, too shy and not opening up.

Bradley, on the other hand, will send his footage to the Academy of Motion Picture in hopes of receiving an Oscar nomination.

He shakes his head in disbelief.

And a single tear runs down his cheek.

Cheers to that performance, sir.

See you tomorrow.