Wednesday, July 29, 2015

The Bachelorette Finale: Part 2: You guys couldn't find a bigger couch than this?

While Nick's limo driver ducks to avoid being hit with jewelry flung from the back seat, Shawn's chauffeur pulls up to the very spot where this spectacular journey began, so many roses ago. 

Shawn exits

and receives a final, knowing handshake from Mr. Harrison. 

Kaitlyn excitedly greets him with the smile that would prompt a man to propose, unlike the embarrassed grimace she offered Nick. 

Shawn starts his speech.

Since the moment he first stepped out of the limo and saw Kaitlyn, he knew his life would never be the same. 

These have been the best two months of his life. 

He gets a pit in his stomach every time he kisses her and loves looking into her deep blue eyes. 

She is his partner in crime, his teammate, the love of his life. 

Kaitlyn tells him that she loves the way he makes her feel, and loves that she can be herself around him. 

She has to be honest with him, and the truth is [long pause for dramatic effect] that she doesn't want him to worry ever again. 

Because she loves him and is all his. She will be faithful to him always.

Shawn lets out a sigh of relief, holds her close, then gets down on his knee. 

He reveals the Neil Diamond ring and asks Kaitlyn to marry him. 

She excitedly accepts, 

and they celebrate. 

Admit it. You cried a little. 

I cried a little. 

Even my cold, dead, shriveled, reality-TV-mocking heart is touched by this display.

We've just been through a lot together, you know?

I want them to have a very happy US Weekly cover. 

And, dare I dream, a two night ABC Bachelorette Wedding Event that I will watch so hard. 

This audience member gets it:

"BUT WHAT ABOUT NICK?," Chris Harrison asks as we launch right into the After the Final Rose Special, AKA Nick Spends 37 Minutes Talking About His Feelings.

First, though,  Kaitlyn and Shawn are here. 

And yes, they do seem genuinely happy together, and genuinely relieved to finally be able to share their happiness with the world. 

Neither is looking at the other person with eyes that say, "What happened? How did I get here? I am bad at this show," like Chris Soules looked at Whitney or Juan Pablo looked at Chris Harrison. 

Really, it seems the only obstacle in their love is the makeup artist that hates Shawn and is trying to sabotage his face. 

I'm not sure what he or she did to make Shawn look like this, but it's not good. 

Kaitlyn doesn't seem to notice or care that her boyfriend's foundation is a few hundred shades off. 

She's too busy remembering how sweet it is that Shawn once sent a snapchat that could easily be read as a stalker's threat:

So sweet/terrifying.

But enough with the happiness, right, Chris?

Let's get to the scorned lover. 

It's difficult, Nick says, being blindsided on television. Again. 

He can't believe this happened to him. Again. 

He's reeling from the heartbreak. Again. 

"This is boring,"

This audience member thinks. 

As we cut to commercial, Nick walks over to his family and hugs his mom like they haven't seen each other in years. 

Have they been holding Nick in captivity for the past three months? A rejected suitor jail? Maximum security for the most notorious Bachelor(ette) villains? Maybe he shared a cell with that one guy who said Emily's daughter was baggage.

After commercial Shawn is forced to converse with Nick, because the producers think we care. 

We don't.

They make awkward small talk, 

agree that they'll probably never buy BFF lockets, even though Nick would love to add to his precious adornment collection, 

but ultimately blame the editing team for making their confrontations appear much crazier than they actually were. 

Is he wearing mascara?
It's boring. 

So boring. 

"Are you guys that different, really?" Harrison asks, 

and they both look at him like he asked if they believe his shirt is real silk.

Next, because Nick has somehow managed to turn this season into the Nick Show, Kaitlyn has to spend half an hour defending her reasons for choosing Shawn. Again.

Kaitlyn greets Nick with a hug,

Then listens as patiently as possible while Nick explains his confusion

and despair 


"At the end of the day, no love that I had was as strong as my love for Shawn," she explains. 

Nick asks why she didn't break up with him differently. 

Nick has a very limited understanding of how this show works for someone who has starred in it twice. 

"Just stop talking, Nick"

these ladies think. 

And yeah, Nick is obnoxious, self-centered, juvenile, and completely misguided when it comes to accessorizing, but he doesn't deserve what happens next. 

No one deserves what happens next. 

Not ever the world's most dangerous terrorists should be forced to watch footage of their breakup. As they roll the tape, even Dick Cheney yells at the television, "YOU'VE CROSSED A LINE!" How's that for a topical joke? #2007

"Is this really happening," Nick wonders.

"They're not paying me enough for this," Kaitlyn thinks. 

You all deserve those side eyes, ABC execs. 

In the end Kaitlyn says she wishes she had handled the breakup differently. 

And Nick says he wishes her and Shawn all the best. 

Though they don't appear to need his well wishes. 

 I mean, right? They actually look really in love.

Or maybe I'm just getting tired and soft in my old blogging age.

It's been a long season.

But such a fun season, thanks to all of you. I get a little choked up when I think about how kind and supportive you guys are. I wish I could thank you all individually for reading and commenting and sharing, but I don't know who a lot of you are. Just know that every time you read these posts it means the world to me. 

I'm excited for the future of this blog. In the Fall, while I occasionally recap Bachelor in Paradise, I'll be joined by a few phenomenal writers who will cover a variety of shows. To get excited, you can read Brooke's stuff here, Carson's stuff here, and Erin's stuff here. We're getting a total site redesign and name change. While I'm hoping to redirect from this blog, my technical skills are limited at best, so if one day it seems this blog has disappeared, check our new domain, Just don't check it right now because there's nothing there yet. But do remember to follow along on Instagram so you'll know when we're up and running. 

Until then, I'd love it if you joined me over at my personal blog, and I wouldn't be mad if you followed me on Twitter