Survivor Episodes 6 & 7

By Lorraine Jackson

Episode 6: Let Them Eat Cake

People shivered and starved, shivered and starved, got muddy, made eachother muddy, put their muddy bodies against other people’s muddy bodies, and stood there for several hours in one of the less impressively designed Survivor Challenges that I have seen. Poor intern that invented the giant mud ball pit game probably had his torch extinguished last week, too.

In the end, the reward had to be won by negotiation, and Kalabaw agreed to give Tandang the remainder of their rice rations in exchange for the reward of soup, sandwiches, and brownies.

A friendly survivor tip: If you haven’t eaten real food in several days and then someone sits you down at a Kneaders and tells you to go nuts, nibble. Nibble on the carbs and protein, and for the love of everything holy, do not eat the brownies. That is all.

Expectedly, Kalabaw, starving, cold, and wet, loses the immunity challenge and sends home the 2nd and final 90 pound beauty queen, in hopes that someone on that tribe can feed them.

Episode 7: Let’s get together, yeah yeah NO.

Time to merge these babies. I have now put all my hopes and dreams into the breadbasket of Denise and Malcolm’s reunited alliance. The tribes are united on a new beach, and yet again, the hungry folk binge on red wine and bread. I cannot fathom what an emaciated hangover feels like.

Immediately, ChildStarLisa starts mothering around camp and airing out the dirty laundry- literally. And in the course, finds Wise Malcolm’s hidden immunity idol. Wise Malcolm begrudgingly pulls her into his alliance, and ChildStarLisa officially becomes the luckiest freaking mother hen on Planet Earth.

The immunity challenge is an endurance test, which is my favorite kind. I love watching middle class Americans slowly bake in the jungle to win a million dollars.

The producers decide to award immunity to the best man and the best woman. So you can imagine my joy when TherapistDenise won immunity FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME after almost 19 days in the wilderness.

Boy immunity was won by QuietCuteCarter, who I still know absolutely nothing about, though I would gander a guess that he would have lost to Denise if there had only been one immunity necklace.

Tribal Council is everything you could ever want out of a reality show. Senseless accusations, mild chaos, total unpredictability, and a grand finale of people crossing tribe alliances to vote out Returning Player Jonathan Penner, and Penner choosing to play his hidden immunity idol. BAM, Y’ALL.

The woman who brought her entire Victoria’s Secret Collection as her luxury item to the Philippines, R.C., was the victim of Penner’s idol, and EWJP sent her packing, sans torch.

What will become of Penner knowing that nearly everyone in his tribe tried to send him home? Will Denise make men cry with her awesomeness? Will Lisa continue to look more and more frazzled and less like a child star? All these questions will be answered soon.

Go forth and eat brownies.

Lorraine is a University employee by day, trash TV enthusiast at night, and equestrian nutcase all the time. She is wildly outnumbered by dudes in the house she shares with her husband Dan, cat Jeoffrey, and dog Reverend Trask.

Survivor Philippines 4&5: Wherein it is still raining.

By Lorraine Jackson

Episode 4:

As much as I want to open with a zinger, what CBS did to open the 4th episode of Survivor Philippines deserves nothing less than complete reverence. In an age of reality TV based around screaming, yakking, drunken embarrassment, and skanky girls pulling each other’s hair, the show opened with two minutes of starkly depressing silence. Matsing, being short half a tribe and completely down on their luck, tried to start a fire. And failed. Bravo, CBS.

Amongst other tribes, Kalabaw has an interesting twist when several days in the wild seem to reform the early alliances, and the tribe quickly divides as boys vs. girls. Keep in mind, that’s 3 vs. 3. Good luck with that. In Tandang, Abi continues to prove that the hotter and more exotic a woman is, the crazier she is.

Then the camera crews spend about 5 minutes following Russell while he looks everywhere for the idol. In a confessional interview, he correctly predicts to those of us at home “you’ve probably all watched me walk past it 100 times, and the camera guys are showing it to you right now.” You have. And they did.

I can hardly bear to watch the reward/immunity challenge.People are muddy, pots are breaking, people are screaming, and Loserly Matsing spends the first 70% of the challenge in the lead, and I start chanting survivor hymnals at my cubicle, to the alarm of my coworkers. (at least it was during my lunch break.)

To no avail. Matsing loses, Russell wrestles with God on national television, and not only does a higher power fail to help him win the challenge, that higher power doesn’t do much to intervene with Wise Malcolm and Therapist Denise from Sending Russell home. Sorry, Russell.

Episode 5:

 

By the end of last week’s episode, it was abundantly clear that Matsing was poised for dissolution. Malcom is sent to the crazy but athletic tribe of Tandang to be the new eye candy, and Denise is sent to the stable but accident-prone Kalabaw. What hurts most for me about this is that, as a Matsing Sympathizer, I know that one of them is about to lose a challenge, again.

Poor Denise.

They briefly show Wise Malcolm chowing down on the chocolate chip cookie rewards, surrounded by smelly beautiful women wooing him and rugged strong men secretly telling him of their idols and alliances. Malcolm is probably wondering just a little bit if he actually died in his frozen wet sleep in Matsing and that this is actually Heaven.

Denise was busy watching Dana puke her guts out.

It’s not long before the 80 pound blondie is tended to by the Emmy-Winning Jeff Probst, and begs for mercy. Because, you know, in America, when you’re hungry and starving and sick, there’s a camera and a medivac team to rescue you. #firstworldproblems. EWJP reassures her that “the pain is about to go away”, which was a little ominous for my tastes, but seemed good enough for her. Dawson introduces herself to America for pretty much the first time ever by wondering aloud “is now the wrong time to chat up Jeff Probst?” Yes, Dawson, it is. Nice to meet you.

Kalabaw decides to keep Denise’s losing streak alive by losing the immunity challenge, and I return to my cubicle chanting on behalf of my favorite player, who is clearly vulnerable as the new member of the tribe. But it’s quickly obvious that BaseballJeff, BlondeCarter, and ReturnerJonathan are happy with her contributions, and bring her into their alliance to take out the weak girls.

They send home Dawson, the Delusional Future Mrs. Probst, leaving her with mere seconds to leave a mark on America, and, apparently, on EWJP’s heart. He snuffs out her torch, and she tries to light his fire with a tender hug and a smelly cheek smooch. EWJP takes this in stride, which is why he deserves all those Emmys.

Stay tuned in next week to see if any more people try to kiss Jeff Probst!

Lorraine is a University employee by day, trash TV enthusiast at night, and equestrian nutcase all the time. She is wildly outnumbered by dudes in the house she shares with her husband Dan, cat Jeoffrey, and dog Reverend Trask.

Lily, oh Lily…

By Erin Jackson

 

 

I like How I Met Your Mother about 75% of the time, and I guess that makes sense since I like about 75% of the main characters, or at least find them to be well rounded and flawed enough to be amused by them.

The 25% I can't stand? Lily. I feel so bad for Alyson Hannigan because she is amazing and she brings a lot of heart to her, but the character is so beyond bland that nothing she gives her can be enough to make up for that.
Take for example the past Monday's episode. Lily and Marshall go outside for the first time without their new baby and realize that death is all around them, so they go home to write up their will (on a website, even though Marshall is a lawyer?) and Lily cries the whole time because she is a mother and that's what all mothers do all the time apparently. They have trouble deciding who should be their son's godparent and so Marshall ends up creating a game show to chose between their three best friends.

What bothers me is that this is the second time that Marshall has created a game and so this is his thing. It's also Lily's dad's thing. So, why give this trait to Marshall and not Lily? I think it would have been great if Lily was really amazing at coming up with board games or game shows and that her dad was still horrible at it. It would have led to some interesting character development. But, nope. They went with the creepy "every girl ends up marrying her dad" thing that is done to death. They have stopped giving her any personality trait or quirk unless it reinforces her being a stereotypical mother or wife.

Lily hasn't always been passive and bland. In the first season, she had doubts about marrying her only serious boyfriend, even though she knew they were meant for each other. She felt conflicted since she had always planned on living her life in a different way since she was an ardent feminist and artist. She didn't want to lose herself for someone, even if she loved them. She and Marshall broke up for a while, then got back together, and since then, her fears have been proven to be well founded. Her art became a joke, any ambition for anything other than being a wife and mother disappeared (I'm talking no hobbies or interests or anything, not just that she gave up a career, which would have been fine) and she became a walking caricature. Last season she got "pregnancy brain" and was bumbling and incompetent for a while. She is still easily distractible and overly emotional, though it is not acknowledged by anyone. Apparently her best friends aren't concerned by any of this and that really really irks me. Unless they pull a "Everyone Says I Love You" and it turns out she has had a brain tumor that has zapped her personality and it's removed and she's an interesting, multi-faceted person again, I sadly have to bid adieu to the potential that was Season One Lily.

Erin Floyd Jackson has been BFFs with TV since she was a wee one when she would play TV Network Executive. She went to school to learn about how and why TV is the way it is and hopes to someday tear someone's creative vision down and re-edit it to her liking. In the meantime, she and her husband live in Huntsville, Alabama and they occasionally "blog" here (http://inappropriateapplause.tumblr.com/) when they are not geeking out over all the SCIENCE! in the Rocket City.

Survivor Philippines: Yes, There is a Swimming Component.

By Lorraine Jackson

Let’s do a quick rhyming recap of Episode 2, shall we?

Jonathan found the idol,
hidden right under his nose.
Roxy freaked her teammates out,
when she spoke in gibbering prose.

Lisa had a nervous breakdown,
Child stardom breaks your head.
And Abi spoke the words I crave,
“if you **** with me, you’re dead.”

Kalabaw and Tandang won,
So Matsing must vote again.
They sent home the gibbering Roxy,
I’ll miss her crazy in the den!

Feel caught up? Good. Because Episode three is a barrel of fun.

Episode Three: Enter Peter, the quiet engineering grad of red hooded death. Peter gets right to work making things happen in the Yellow Tribe of Tandang, which includes Childstar Lisa, Lingerie RC, Brazilian Abi, Medivac Michael, and the TBD Artis. Peter layed low, and pretty soon, he is going to be orchestrating making people cry, and saving the childstar. IAMSOEXCITED.

Reward/Immunity Challenge:
I like some people on the loserliest of loser teams, Matsing. But I LOVE to watch them lose. Survivor so beautifully separates true athleticism from fake athleticism, and watching skinny runner Angie and tough man Russell flail in the water like two cats with one leg between them is the best kind of entertainment. 41 year-old Denise the Dolphin is the team’s saving grace, and my personal hero. I want to look like that when I’m 41.

Even knowing that Russell and Angie were on the verge of drowning through most of the challenge, I was still shocked when Matsing lost the reward and immunity in another nail-biter. Again. For the third time. Golly, how I love reality TV.

Before we get to tribal council, there is a positively DIVINE scene of Abi bouncing around camp trying to find the immunity idol by digging two inches down in the sand with a tiny bamboo stick on a ¼ mile stretch of beach. It is so priceless it should be GIF’ed. Anyone know how to GIF?

Tribal Council goes about as you would expect after these priceless words from Wise Malcolm:
“it’s just tragic that I’m stuck out here with this goonsquad of a tibe. A girl who couldn’t get a float out from two feet of water. Russell, built like an ox, couldn’t climb a ladder to save his life. And Denise is a rockstar. A little munchkin of muscle.”

If I were there, I would have voted to send home dear sweet Utah local sweetheart Angie just because she seems to genuinely believe that “I would of went again” is a legitimate sentence. And a legitimate defense.

Matsing voted to send home dear sweet Utah local sweetheart Angie because they want to eat tomorrow. And it became painfully clear that a 97 pound blonde 20 year old was not contributing to that cause. Farewell, Utah Favorite.

Tune in again soon to see if Matsing can keep their magnificent losing streak alive!

Lorraine is a University employee by day, trash TV enthusiast at night, and equestrian nutcase all the time. She is wildly outnumbered by dudes in the house she shares with her husband Dan, cat Jeoffrey, and dog Reverend Trask.

Survivor Phillipines Episode 1

By Lorraine Evans Jackson

I admit it- after a several-season hiatus from Survivor, what lay before me on Survivor made my heart pound. Not the iconic returning players, not the race to pull supplies off the ship and toss chickens overboard, and not the stunning scenery of the Phillipines. What really amped my adrenaline was this:

“You know, Ah’ve hayad people come up ta’me awwll the time and ask me ‘bout Frankenstein” (Indicates to the Frankenstein bust tattooed to his forearm) “he picked a ‘lil girl a flower and gave it to her. That’s right b‘fore he strangled her, but you know, he gave’er a flower. That’s kinda how Ah feel about mahself, you know, Ah could either strangle you or pick you a flower, it just depends what you pull outta me, you know whatamean?” Oh Zane.

Russell from Samoa, Jonathan from Cook Islands and Micronesia, and my personal childhood reality TV hero from season 2 (whoa, has it been that long? Am I that old? Is Jeff Probst truly that okay with living in a decadent trailer in the Jungle for all these years?) Michael from Australia are all back to reclaim their Survivor dignity. Each of them outplayed and outwitted their opponents, but sadly could not outlast dehydration, infection, or, you know, melting their hands with fire. They are here to prove their medical maladies were just flukes, and win the million Washingtons.

But returning players aren’t the only familiar faces. Washed up teen star Lisa Welchel of 'The Facts of Life' was too graceful for Dancing With the Stars, and sadly had to settle for 39 days in the Jungle instead to kickstart her notoriety. MLB Second Baseman Jeff Kent might be familiar to a baseball fan or two from his days on the San Francisco Giants, especially since he brought his outdated mustache with him as his luxury item.

Jeff gets right to business kicking survivors off the boat, and survivors get right to business trying to drown their chickens. Multiple participants still seem confused about how this game works. They arrived in trendy linen shirts, one-sleeved sun dresses, and what I’m almost positive is a denim jumper.

Survivor Tribes Cheat Sheet:
Matsing-Purplish Tealish?
Denise
Malcom
Zane
Russell
Roxy
Angie

Tandang-Yellow (runner up)
Abi-Maria
Artis
RC
Michael
Pete
Lisa

Kalabaw-Red (winner)
Dana
Katie
Jonathan
Jeff
Dawson
Carter


Russell gives the Matsing tribe a long leadership speech about how he’s not a leader, Malcolm takes his shirt off (my favorite kind of silent leadership) Jonathan sacrifices Kalabaw tribe bonding time for a dip in the freshwater, and RC shows Tandang the Summer 2012 Victoria’s Secret line she brought with her to the island.

But the real hard worker in episode one is Zane. He makes alliances with the girls, the boys, the chickens, and at least two camera men.

The immunity challenge is your classic brains and brawns test, and another fantastic opportunity for Russell to show how very deeply he wants to not be the leader by talking a great deal and cutting people off. Kalabaw (purplishtealish) wins in a come-from-behind win for immunity and a fire kit, and Tandang (the yellow folks) make lovely runners up for immunity and flint. Matsing makes a hilarious showing of micromanaging, lack of aerobic dexterity (also known as laziness), and utter puzzle puzzlement to come in a distant third.

It’s quickly clear that there is an emotional divide in the tribe between the normal people and the crazy people. The only question becomes which crazy to send home first: the failurific non-leading micromanager Russell, or the unathletic lovebug redneck, Zane. It devastates me to lose either of these blogging treasures. Wise, hot Malcolm seems equally torn.

Survivor is cruel, and so away went my Survivor bread and butter, Zane. Just as he was starting to get his metaphors about onions straight they took him away from me. Stay away from the smokes, Zane.

Lorraine’s Predictions:
Denise (sex therapist) and Wise Hot Malcolm are going to make a good run of it. RC will go far, but backstab too much to make it all the way. Roxy, Pete, and Artis seem like strong quiet folk who could ride coat tails to the top. If my old Fan Favorite, Michael, can survive his own accident prone propensity, brother stands a chance.

Look forward to a season of breakdowns, injuries, broken hearts and sleuthing, y’all!

Lorraine is a University employee by day, trash TV enthusiast at night, and equestrian nutcase all the time. She is wildly outnumbered by dudes in the house she shares with her husband Dan, cat Jeoffrey, and dog Reverend Trask