This week on The Bachelorette, a lot of men wear necklaces. Necklaces* that look like they were made during craft hour at the mansion.
Like this one:
And this one:
Not this one. This one is legit:
But this one is one step away from a macaroni or froot loop strand made in preschool:
So is this one:
And this one:
And this one:
Also, we're calling the probably gay dentist "Cupcake" now. So that's fun.
Hey, remember Britt? She's still in her hotel room crying.
She's just finished wiping tears away when singer/songwriter Brady knocks on the door.
The two embrace and the Britt-voters watching at home wonder why they didn't think to go after her. Brady may be the world's worst musician, but he's the smartest dude this season.
Back at Camp Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison, wearing a purple shirt with breast pocket zippers, announces the agenda for the week.
There will be two group dates and the first one-on-one. He then hands over the first group date card which reads, "I see this ending with a ring."
So the men invited on the date wake up, sip their morning alcohol and get going.
"They so drinky," my three-year-old said to me while watching me take this screen shot.
The date the producers Kaitlyn has planned includes a cult initiation.
Wait. No. It's boxing. Sorry, I got confused with the fancy cinematography. Which iMovie filter is that?
Joining Kaitlyn and the fellas is Laila Ali, undefeated boxing champ, daughter of Muhammad Ali, and way too good for this show.
"Boxing is kind of like relationships," she explains. "It takes focus, discipline, commitment...face punching." I may have added that last part.
Laila teaches the group a few basics then leaves the boys to practice on their own.
Most of them abandon all hopes of learning to box and instead flirt with the girl they're hoping to escort to a Fantasy Suite.
Not Kupah, though. Kupah is in it to win it.
"You guys look good for that short amount of time," Laila says, then makes this face at the camera:
I want Laila to be my very best friend.
She tells the pathetic bunch of lightweights that they're about to fight each other in the ring and the men promptly get dressed and ready for a brawl.
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| Enough with the effects, editors |
Muscles is pretty confident he's going to win this thing.
He's right. He concusses Loveman and is declared the boxing champ.
This is Kaitlyn's face when she realizes she's demanded that a group of men prove their love with physical domination. Not great.
But the regret doesn't last long and soon it's hand on thigh for Muscles.
These two have a nice conversation that goes like this:
Kaitlyn: I love to cook.
Muscles: I love to cook too. Also, my mom is dead.
So Muscles gets the rose because a dead parent wins. Every time.
Speaking of milking personal tragedy to manipulate a woman's emotions, at one point a mysterious messenger presents a note to Kaitlyn that demands she walk outside.
Concussed Loveman is waiting for her. He's too frail to come inside, but not too frail to play hockey. Of the tonsil variety.
"My head might hurt but my heart has never felt better," Loveman says. Oof.
Another date card arrives at the mansion. This time for the one-on-one.
Clint is the mastermind behind this beauty, so he deserves all the happiness in the world:
Kaitlyn and Clint kiss underwater.
Then above water.
Then on a rooftop.
Clint gets a rose.
And that's that.
The boys back home take a break from their necklace braiding (those Etsy orders aren't going to fill themselves!) for some poolside philosophizing.
Well actually just Tony philosophizes while Kupah considers whether or not it's possible to overly coordinate your football and swim trunks.
Tony is a pacifist. He's also drunk. And so he makes a drunk, pacifist proclamation. "The boxing date was a complete joke. The foundation that I want to establish my relationship forever on does not start with me beating your a**. It's always a competition but it should never lead to actual fisticuffs. You should never have to fight for attention. Love is selfless and love is given. It's not something that you fight for. I've got a lot of love in my heart, bro."
He pauses to put on a shirt, then continues. "It seems that no one is paying attention to the reason why we're here. It's for love. Love is about being present. Love is about discussion. Love is about possibilities and ideas and dreams. Love is as perennial as the grass." Yeah. Grass. Right, Tony? Like, puff puff pass? Marijuana joke.
The next group date card arrives and Muscles points at each invitee because how else can he remind the group that his biceps bulge?
Tony's invited.
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| I hope all of Tony's shirts have his name on it. |
Stand up, as in comedy.
Before the men arrive to the date, Kaitlyn meets Amy Schumer. What this episode lacks in, well, everything, it makes up for in quality of guest stars. Amy Schumer is arguably the hottest comic around, so Chris Harrison must have a really terrible photo he could use to blackmail her. That's the only explanation for her agreeing to do what she's about to do.
And that's to prep the men to perform stand up in front of an only slightly inebriated crowd.
"This is going to be an absolute massacre," she says after meeting ten of the dullest men on the planet.
Amy sits down with JJ, who is struggling to find the funny, among other things.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm too smart for like 90% of the audience," JJ says.
"I'm going to make you feel better. You're not. I hope it does comfort you to know that you're not smarter than anybody here," Amy says, and then looks at the camera like this:
I love her so much.
"JJ's a sweetheart. He's just missing like, charisma, and humility, and a sense of humor. But other than that, basically you should hire him as the next bachelor," Amy says. "Maybe when he sees the show he'll reflect on himself a little bit and not be such a turd." I wouldn't put too much on that bet.
Before you know it it's showtime.
The first few men really make an effort and some succeed in being mildly entertaining.
Then Tony gets on stage.
Here is Tony's comedy routine in its entirety:
"Let me tell you that this is definitely an experience just to be up here on stage uh it really warms my heart. I stand here humble and thank you for the opportunity. I basically feel capable of anything. I'm mostly serious most of the time, I'm a very deep, in-tune guy, in touch with my emotions and very sensitive. So I'm just glad to have this opportunity to explore the lighter side of me. Each experience is a learning lesson for all of us. We're all here for a reason and basically want to make the most of it. So let's hear it for the next contestant!"
Nailed it.
Later that night, Tony compares Kaitlyn to his middle school locker.
"I've determined that you are like a combination lock as opposed to a key turn. A little this way, a little this way, a little bit this way, then once you figure out that combination the door opens and there is gold inside," he tells her.
So we've found this season's delightful nut job. But who will be our villian?
It's JJ the turd.
Here he is leveraging his 3-year-old daughter to gain a woman's affection.
It works as well as a dead parent.
JJ gets a kiss.
And a rose.
"I have a rose ceremony tomorrow and I get to just sit there and watch everybody else suffer and stress out. It's awesome. I love it," JJ says.
But then he doesn't just sit and watch everybody else suffer and stress out. In fact, he's the first to demand Kaitlyn's time even though he already has a rose.
When he returns from a light make out sesh, he tells the others, "I know I'm the most hated man in the house, but I'm not sorry." At least he's self aware.
"I had to remind her of what husband material is," he taunts.
OH NO HE DIDN'T.
While Tony is a philosophical drunk, JJ, whose teeth are now purple with wine, is an arrogant drunk. Or maybe just an arrogant person whose drunkenness only exacerbates his condition.
"I'm feeling smugness, wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence." Smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence is my favorite Taco Bell burrito.
"This isn't church camp. I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS." Wow. Week 2 and someone's already said it. This is going to be such a fun season.
Tony is not amused by JJ's shenanigans.
"It's almost like he's never been with a pretty girl before," Tony says, pulling that face for some reason.
So we have our crazy. We have our villain. But who will be the first guy to make Kaitlyn really mad?
Kupah will.
Kupah is concerned that he's only on the show to fill a minority quota. And honestly, it's a pretty valid concern. This series is notorious for trying and failing to include anyone who isn't caucasian past week 4. But Kupah doesn't approach it very well, and starts to tell Kaitlyn that she hasn't really seemed very present and she always seems to be looking around and not focused.
She doesn't much care for that opinion.
She tells him that she needs some time to think about his being there and he immediately marches over to the men and retells the whole conversation.
She doesn't much care for that either. So she pulls him aside and tells him it's time to leave.
Kupah, much like JJ and Tony and probably all the rest of them, has had a few too many, and while Tony is a philosophizing drunk and JJ is an arrogant drunk, Kupah is an angry drunk.
Things nearly come to fisticuffs when the producers ask him how he feels about being sent home.
This show, if nothing else, makes a strong case for sobriety.
During the credits we catch up with Britt and Brady.
It's barfy.
I'm really glad these two found each other but please don't subject us to anymore of their blooming romance. I'd rather listen to Brady's full album than watch these two giggle at each other any more.
See you next week.
*Thanks to readers who are smarter than I am, I now realize that the necklaces are actually microphones. It makes sense. But they're still ugly, right?
