Monday, February 16, 2015

The Bachelor Week 7 Part 1: Hey Mom, Don't Google My Wife

Last night marked the first 3 of 5 Bachelor-centered hours of television for the week. 5 hours. 5 HOURS. Full disclosure, I skipped Chris Tells All, because 5 hours is just too many hours, even for me. So let's just jump into the actual episode, shall we?

Chris and the seven women he is currently dating have a nice chat about how great it is that he sent both Ashley I. and Kelsey home. The women are so proud of him, they tell him. Because this guy needs more of an ego-boost.

Megan asks Chris where their relationship is at, and he essentially says, I'm glad you brought that up cause this isn't working. Let me walk you to the car.

The other women pretend to be sad about this development. 

Chris pretends to have a hard time letting her go. 

Chris does not have a future in acting.

The only genuine feels are from Megan.

"We would probably fall in love if we had more time," She tells the Suburban-cam. Look, I don't think Chris is any sort of genius, but I do think the standards for his future wife include knowing that New Mexico is not actually part of Mexico, and being able to name all five senses. But let's just let Megan believe time was the issue.

Anyway, Chris Harrison makes an appearance to announce that there will still be a rose ceremony and one more lady is toast.

Most of the remaining women begin to cry, because they've never seen the show and don't realize there IS ALWAYS A ROSE CEREMONY, I guess.

But Chris is like dude, I'm super into all these foxy babes, can we just skip the RC so I can make out with everyone for another week, and Chris Harrison is like sure! No rules!

The foxy babes are pleased.

Group hug, everyone. 

So the gang heads to Des Moines

and soon the first date card arrives. It reads,

Join me in my hometown!" 

Jade is, obviously, stoked, but the other women are finding it increasingly difficult to feign enthusiasm. 

"I am very very happy for you, but very jealous also," says Britt.

Carly is the worst at faking happiness for others, and I love her the most for it. 

Jade arrives in Arlington, Iowa and soon realizes there isn't much in Arlington, Iowa.

There's so little, that Jade starts naming every object she sees.

"Lots of corn.
Telephone pole.
Wild grass."
End of list.

Jade meets Chris at his home where he shows her more nothing.

"Land is one of my passions," he tells her as they look out over vast amounts of brown. 

Back at Des Moines' swankiest hotel, the next date card arrives and it reads,

Let's look for love in Des moines."

Whitney is pleased,

but the others aren't even faking it anymore. Maybe it's not the best idea to all be in the same room when the man you all want sends love notes to just one of you?

Jade gets the grand tour of downtown Arlington. It includes about three buildings, all closed.

The reality of what existence in Arlington would entail hits Jade,

and she wonders if it would be totally inappropriate to pull out her phone and check for Tinder matches.

Night falls, and Chris reveals the romantic evening he has planned.

The local high school football game. 

It's like Friday Night Lights but without Tim Riggins or athleticism.

The school's mascot looks like it was stolen from a nightmare version of PBS children's programming

Chris walks Jade through the halls of his high school because he understands that women love nothing more than listening to an adult man reminisce about his glory days fifteen years ago. 

"We were state-runner-ups my senior year," Chris tells Jade. In other words, they lost.

But look! His name is still on this plaque!

They take a break in the tour of When Chris Peaked to have a heart-to-heart in an English classroom. Jade has a secret. And while she doesn't come out and tell him exactly what it is she needs to tell him, she does allude to her rebellious past. 

Which seems to light Chris's fire because he does this in the hallway. 

"Kissing Jade outside my old English classroom is incredible. We are not doing anything that has anything to do with English right now. It's more like French."

The football team loses, but that doesn't stop all fourteen people in the stands from chanting, 

"Kiss Chris! Kiss Chris!" So Jade kisses Chris. 

The next day Chris meets Whitney in Des Moines

and takes her to an art gallery featuring photos of love.

Then he tells her they will spend the day taking their own photos around the city. Whitney has this super irritating habit of over-reacting. Chris could tell her something as meaningless as "we're having tunafish for lunch" and she would scream with delight and  clap and say, "TUNA IS MY VERY FAVORITE! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" She's the Anne Hathaway of Bachelor contestants.

Chris and Whitney walk around Des Moines and take a whole bunch of nauseating photos.

Jade tells the girls about her date, and it's just too much for Britt to handle. Again, maybe acting like you're not all trying to date the same person isn't the healthiest approach to the situation?

Carly suggests they take a road trip to Arlington because they're that bored. 

So they're off!

The excitement quickly fades when they arrive in Arlington. 

Not even the church is open. 

So the girls decide to hassle the locals. When they ask this pastor wearing a Call of Duty shirt where to find a good restaurant, he tells them they'll have to leave Arlington. 

Chris and Whitney visit whatever Des Moines bar paid ABC to be featured in this episode, and three random dudes show up. 

Chris tells Whitney these are his three best friends, and of course, she acts like a preteen in 2012 who has just been told she's meeting Justin Bieber.

The group date card arrives.

Carly, who I really think is suffering from some variation of cabin fever, has done this to her hand and calls it Britt:

"Hey Britt, tomorrow you're going down. The only thing you'll be left with is your rose-colored lipstick because I am getting the rose," Carly says to her hand.

Then, the weirdest thing I've ever seen on this show happens. There's a shot of a full moon with A WOMAN'S FACE ON IT. Whose? Why? How? What is the show trying to tell us?

Chris tells his friends to get lost so he can spend more time with Whitney. She wastes no time sharing her tragic story of her mother dying. Because you can't be on this show unless you have a tragic story to share.

Chris has a surprise for Whitney. He walks her outside to show her this:

It's like someone stenciled clip art search results for "couple" onto the opening credits of Saved by the Bell.  But Whitney goes full Hathaway and can hardly contain her excitement, whether it's real or faked. 

It's a really ugly mural, guys. 

So about Jade's secret. She decides to confide in Carly and tells her that she posed naked for Playboy not too long ago. 

Carly reacts thusly:

and tries really hard to hide her excitement over this news.

"Sometimes I regret posing nude," Jade tells the producers.

You don't say.

The next day Chris and three of his girlfriends hit the ice rink. Nothing to see here.

Britt tells Chris how much she loooooooved Arlington (even though she hated it).

And Carly, well, she just cannot stand for that. She tells Chris Britt is a big fat liar, because things ended so well for the last girl who ratted another girl out (RIP, Ashley I.)

Chris thanks Carly for her honesty as though her motives are pure. 

That evening Chris and three of his girlfriends share a drink. 

Then Britt and Chris spend some more time...talking.

Kaitlyn is concerned her relationship isn't progressing as quickly as some of the others. 

To reassure her, Chris gives her the rose, ensuring a hometown date. 

When Britt sees this, she promptly implodes.

She monologues about not wanting to be second, third, or fourth in line. She wants her husband to be really into her. 

An agitated Chris says it was a hard decision, just one step in the journey, and then he tells the girls good night and leaves. 

Kaitlyn tries to disappear behind her drink, 

and Carly is really enjoying watching The Bachelor while on The Bachelor. 

Then Britt realizes she may have made a huge mistake?

We'll see. Meet you back here tomorrow. 

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