The Bachelor Week 6: I Know What You Did

During last week's episode I was hopped up on painkillers and in and out of sleep, so I think I missed a lot of the crazy.

But I did see Kelsey "collapse" in a "panic attack", which is where we pick up this week. 

The other girls are pretty apathetic about the whole fiasco until they hear Kelsey tell a medic, "I would like to talk to Chris," and then they get very "OH NO SHE DID NOT."

Oh but she did. 

Clearly pleased with herself, Kelsey enters the Rose Ceremony with all the confidence of a woman who has fake-distressed herself into a man's affections.

But not everyone is feeling so hot. Ashley I., who I realize we could now just call "Ashley" but I want to pretend Ashley S. is still with us because she's my favorite person in the whole wide world so I will keep referring to her as Ashley I. as though she still needs the last initial identifier, is crying because it's a day that ends in "y".

Makenzie says, "If I get rejected tonight, I don't know if I would ever be able to get over it." She's 21. She'll be fine. 

Or at least I hope she will, because it's Mackenzie and Samantha, who never said a single word on camera, that are sent home.

Much to the chagrin of the other girls, and the total delight of us viewers at home, Kelsey gets a stay of execution. 

Then the crew heads to Deadwood, South Dakota. Visiting Deadwood seems to be a very similar experience to eating at Texas Roadhouse. 

Upon arrival, Chris spends some alone time getting old-timey portraits taken...of himself. 

Yowza.

At the hotel, Britt forgets to wear a shirt and she and Kelsey have a friendly balcony chat.

"I want the one-on-one because I feel like I've earned it. I've worked so hard and gone through a lot to be here." says Kelsey. I have some questions. I get that she's been through a lot. I mean, her husband died. That's super rough. But she says she's gone through a lot to be here, on a reality television program where women routinely forget to wear shirts. What exactly is the hard work you put into that? 

"Getting to tell Chris about my life and my marriage warrants me the opportunity to have a one-on-one with him," Kelsey says, crossing the line from overplaying the dead-spouse card right to sounding like a possible murderer. 

The date card arrives...for Becca.

"Let's give love a shot," it reads. 

Kelsey is displeased.

Meanwhile the other woman are displeased with her and her shenanigans.

They mention that she sometimes says not nice things and they're tired of having their feelings hurt. 

Kelsey puts on her most surprised and apologetic face:

and promises to be more aware.

Whitney doesn't buy it.

For good reason. In the privacy of her interview with producers and all of America, Kelsey makes some rather condescending remarks.

"I get it. I am blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart. I didn't go through all this ****, death of a spouse, loss in numerous, numerous ways to be ganged up on by some girls in the house. I didn't go on this show to be defeated and allow my emotions to get the best of me, or to lose sight of my ultimate dream...I came here to win it." She's just a real treat of a person. 

Okay. So. Apparently at some point Chris Harrison explained to the girls that this week would include a one-on-on date, a group date, and a two-on-one date, meaning the two girls not listed on the group date card will be on the two-on-one.

Soon the group date card arrives and it reads,

"Let's make sweet music together"

Everyone but Ashley I. and Kelsey are listed. I already love this two-on-one so so so much. 

Both girls are confident they will clobber the other. 

Meanwhile Chris and Becca go on a date and he finally kisses her and it's really boring because Becca is a well-adjusted human being who brings zero crazy to the table. Snore.

For the group date, these fellas show up to assist with the music making. 

From what I gather and from what the show seems to want me to believe, these two are a big deal in the world of Country. I know more about quantum physics than I do about Country music, and I know nothing about quantum physics, so I'll just go along with it.

The girls are given the task of writing a song for Chris. So while the rest of them scribble some lyrics, Britt spends her time canoodling the bachelor in front of all the other ladies. It's weird.

Then it's performance time. Chris starts and the old prospector tries his best to accompany on the banjo. It's a mess.

As are most of the girls' solos. 

Eventually old prospector just gives up because it's impossible to play along with a song that lacks any sort of recognizable melody.

"They are killing it," Chris says, and if by "it" he means any semblance of respectability this particular music genre once had, he is correct.

There is one standout performance by Carly. She works as a cruise ship singer. She has to not suck in case her boss is watching. 

Later in the evening, Chris spends some quality time with Jade:

And Britt, who he runs away with to a Big and Rich show (the two yahoos from earlier).

And of course he pulls her on stage and hands her a rose, She eats. it. up.

A full hour later, Chris and Britt return to a room full of bored and peeved women. 

Chris senses the tension, mumbles something about things getting harder, then gets up and walks away because Chris is really terrible at this. 

It leaves poor Britt to defend herself. And to her credit, she handles it with all the grace and composure Kelsey wishes she had. 

She apologizes for the awkwardness of being the clear favorite. In so many words. 

It's another night that ends in tears.

Lots

and lots of tears.

Which would normally feel like a pretty satisfying end to another week on The Bachelor. But this is no ordinary week. This is two-on-one week. The week we wait all season for. And we are not disappointed. 

The date card arrives and it reads, 

"2 girls, 1 rose. 1 stays, 1 goes. Let's have good times in the Badlands."

And so begins the clash of the titans.

The festivities start with a helicopter ride

to this solitary bed in the middle of the dessert? From the looks of it, the only activity anyone planned for this date was a nap. 

Soon after their arrival, Ashley I. gets this look on her face 

which can only mean one thing:

After she successfully bites Chris's lips off, she tells him that no one likes Kelsey.

So of course Chris tells Kelsey, "Ashley just told me that you're a big fake," because Chris is really really bad at this. 

Kelsey puts on her sad face for Chris, and her mad face for the cameras.

"[Ashley]'s a Kardashian who didn't get to go on her princess date, who has way too much makeup on." Not the burniest insults ever, but we get it. You're mad. 

"I'm 28 years old, I was married, I lost the love of my life, I am a woman," Kelsey declares, reminding us for the 184th time in the past hour that she has a dead husband.

So she gets back to the bed where Ashley is lounging, and stares

And stares.

And stares.

And stares.

Until Ashley I. finally makes eye contact, at which point Kelsey stares harder, 

and then says, "I know what you did...and I do not appreciate it."

In response, Ashley I. says, "You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words?"

Then adds "Sorry I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from frickin' 2014. We both have our Masters and mine's from a good place. If you think I'm not intelligent to see through you, you're frickin' hilarious." It's a statement that makes very little sense and I want to have it cross-stitched on a throw pillow. 

Kelsey gets even more mad for the camera.

"I hope she goes home. Enough is enough. She needs to go home and play dress up. Just like she has, what, for the last 24 years?"

"She's here. I'm here," Kelsey says, raising one hand high and the other low.

Ashley isn't thrilled to have been so forcefully thrown under the bus and confronts Chris about it. 

Chris, who again, is just terrible at this, is like yeah, I told her what you said, also, I think we should break up. 

Well, technically what he says is, "I don't feel like I could give you the lifestyle that you really want." He's very right about that. Can you picture Kim Kardashian on a farm in Iowa? OMG someone please make that show. I will blog the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of that.

The girls at the hotel watch in horror as a producer removes Ashley's bag from the room, signifying her expulsion. 

It's hard to tell if they're more upset that Ashley is leaving or that Kelsey is staying. Regardless, it's a somber group. 

Ashley melts into a puddle of mascara and grief in the middle of the Badlands,

While Chris breaks the news to Kelsey.

"I just sent Ashley home," he tells her, and she does this to try and comfort him:

Hahahahahahahahahaha. 

Chris pulls away, turns on the serious, and recites his second dump speech.

"I just don't know if it's there between us," he tells Kelsey, then walks away leaving her alone on the bed built for three as he boards the helicopter and flies away. It's just like the end of Jurassic Park.  The T-Rex and Raptor are left to destroy each other. 

The girls at the hotel are surprised to see the producer again, then thrilled to see her walk away with Kelsey's luggage. 

It's a quick mood change. 

Don't worry about Kelsey though. She's got her delusions to keep her warm at night. 

"My story is amazing. It's tragic. And it's inspiring. And it's beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed," she says. I dunno. I just don't think you should call the death of your husband inspiring and beautiful?

"I'm going to be okay. I lost before and I survived," she says, comparing losing her spouse to getting kicked off a game show. 

Chris flies away and looks out at the two women he's left on the horizon (the specks at 1:00 and 7:00)