El Bachelor Finale: The Most Superlative Bachelor Finale Ever

Last night nearly killed Chris Harrison.

He starts out in good enough spirits, greeting the home viewers, the live studio audience,

and some old friends.

He guys, when do your contracts end?

Chris promises drama and surprise. He asks if Juan Pablo was in it for the right reasons. Then he rolls tape.

It's time for Juan Pablo to introduce Clare to his family.

Clare struggles to decide which sexy face is most appropriate to make at a child, then lands on flirtatious kissy:

"How adorable was Juan Paublo with his daughter?" Clare asks rhetorically,

then adds, "So hot though." I have never feared for the state of this nation's public education more than after watching this bachelor season and witnessing twenty plus women fail to construct basic sentences.

A besito on the cheek from Camila prompts Clare to announce to Juan Pablo's entire family that she cannot wait to be a mother. This red flag is a slight blush compared to the crimson banners to come.

First Clare sits down with Mom.

See that box on the left there? That's footage from the studio audience. Some ABC exec said, "You know what would be more boring than watching The Bachelor? Watching other people watch The Bachelor. Make it happen."

Anyway, JP's mom says of her son, "He's hyperactive. Super hyperactive." Then adds, "He sometimes is very rude." Clare confuses this very clear warning for praise of Juan Pablo and says, "It's honesty. He wasn't trying to hurt me, he was trying to tell me how he felt." Then afterward she tells the camera, "After talking to Juan Pablo's mom, I can't tell you how comforting it was." Oh, sweetie. No.

Cousin Rodolfo offers his own words of caution.

"Things get rough and he walks away," he tells Clare. She smiles.

Then Dad and Clare hold hands for a minute.

Totally normal.

"I know you were raised right. I know you were," Clare tells Juan, and apparently good parenting is a major turn on for Clare because they conclude the family gathering with a good smooch.

"I just want to kiss those lips" -Clare "Gross" -Me

Then it's a new day and a new girl.

Juan gets a bit sweaty waiting for Nikki.

Perhaps realizing that these girls need more than subtle statements like "He's rude" or "He has too much energy," the family is twice as blunt with Nikki as they were with Clare.

"He's not an easy guy," says Dad."He's vocal about what he wants. He's very specific about what he wants. He thinks he knows the truth about everything."

"What do you imagine a weekend with Juan Pablo to be like?" asks Mom. Poor Nikki describes a day of swimming and game playing. "Do you want me to tell you how it's really going to be?" mom asks. Then explains, "Juan Pablo will wake up, eat breakfast, and stay at home and watch TV."

If a man's mother describes him as a rude, hyperactive individual who spends all his time watching television, you can be sure he is the rudest, most hyperactive individual who never leaves the couch. And yet when Mom asks Nikki, "You feel like he's the kind of guy you want?" Nikki says yes. "You're sure?" says Mom, meaning "Run. Fast. Far. Go. Now."

By the way, the audience box never gets less annoying.

Mom finally concludes with "Juan Pablo is not easy."

Rodolfo then tries to talk Nikki out of the relationship.

"Sometimes when things are getting rough, he'll walk away from the relationship," he says.
Nikki brushes this off with a giggle, and Rodolfo asks "So you're not scared about that?" with a look that says, you really should be:

And yet Nikki smiles into the camera.

"They raised a lot of questions. But I feel like I know him on a different level and it's not a red flag for me," she declares. What about a man Van Gogh-ing the ear off your head? Is that a red enough flag?

Finding it difficult to decide between the two women, Juan Pablo asks, "Can I keep both?" like a small child would ask a mother about puppies in a pet store.

This woman from the audience does not think things are going to end well.

"This is bad news. This is going south fast," she tells Chris Harrison, because she has eyes and ears.

Then to introduce the next segment of the show, Chris Harrison says, "It's going to be unlike anything you've ever seen on The Bachelor" and we see The Bachelor standing in front of a helicopter, which is just like what we've always seen on The Bachelor.

Juan Pablo and Clare make sure to take in all the beautiful scenery:

And Juan Pablo says of the woman he is considering proposing to, "Clare is very hot. She's sexy. She's cute. And she kisses ai ai ai." Maybe he doesn't know the English words to describe personality, intelligence or character?

The face of class

He certainly has an extensive enough vocabulary to say something very upsetting to Clare. 

As the helicopter lands and there are no cameras, no audio, and nobody in the chopper with them but the pilot, Juan Pablo,whispers something to Clare. Clare says, "He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he doesn't really know me. Some sexual thing. It was insulting, it was offensive. It made me feel awful."

It's shocking.

The editors cut out the rest of the date and we catch up with Clare in her hotel room. "Hey Clare, I see you're crying. Do you think maybe you could move to the bed, you know, for dramatic effect?" asks someone in production. She complies.

Then, guess who has the nerve to show up? And ask for a besito?

Yes, Juan, you. Good guess.

In case you've ever wondered what the face of some one who dodged a bullet looks like, I present Sharleen:

Clare confronts Juan about their conversation. He defends himself with, "You got it wrong. It's not that I don't know you. It's that I don't know you enough. You don't know me enough. I'm being honest with you. I was being honest today." 

It seems that Juan has been led to believe that honesty means verbalizing every thought that runs through his meticulously coiffed head.

To soothe her sorrows, Juan Pablo asks "Who met my family? Who met Camila? Who met my daughter? Who met my mom?" Clare could answer each of these questions with "the other woman you are dating" but chooses to feel flattered instead. Then to really ensure he's back in her good graces, Juan says, "If I end up with you, we'll have a baby in like a year and two months."

Using talk of a baby to distract a woman from the jerk move you've made is a crime that should be punishable by law. The problem is it works.

"Twins?" Clare exclaims. 

Not cool, Juan.

The next day Juan Pablo takes a break from family planning with Clare to spend some time with Nikki.

"Hopefully he can tell me he loves me," Nikki says desperately. But there's not a lot of time for telling between all the sail boat snogging.

They do eventually reach shore and Nikki asks, "What's going to happen after this when you don't have a private island anymore?' Juan responds with, "I'll have a bed and watch movies and sports. Then I'll have my office and watch some baseball. I will be doing that by myself, probably." He might as well add, "You won't be there. Ever. You're not invited.

Then Juan Pablo stops Nikki from asking any more questions.

"I want to hear him tell me he loves me. I just want to hear it from him," Nikki later foreshadows. 

You're welcome for the free advertising, ABC

Juan Pablo can tell Nikki has her thinking face on 

and quickly shuts it down. 

Then the two say goodbye, and I assume Nikki replays that whole watching television alone conversation in her mind because this happens:

She has this audience member's sympathies:

Men, amirite?

Then it's decision time. Juan Pablo pulls out a fresh NEIL LANE diamond ring, which I assume he murdered Neil to get because there is no sign of Mr. Lane anywhere. 

Clare preps for her big day.

And Nikki preps for her big day.

This show is so messed up.

JP rides the Impending-engagement Boat

to the Sacrificial Proposal Alter

and waits. 

Then the first Lady Cargo Carrier arrives with the loser. The loser always arrives first. If ever you find yourself on the way to meet The Bachelor in the hopes of receiving a proposal, tell your driver/boat captain/horse to move as slowly as possible, and hopefully you'll arrive second.

Poor Clare. The sadistic editors play her soliloquy on finding love after the death of her father to narrate her walk of doom. 

She finally reaches her man and starts in on a speech about how great he is, how much she loves him, and how excited she is to start a life with him.

Then Juan Pablo makes a statement. Clare starts to realize she has lost.

"I'm going to have to say goodbye to you," Juan finally concludes,

And moves in for a "still friends" hug. Clare will have none of it. 

"I thought I knew what kind of man you were... I lost respect for you," Clare says. I might think she was overreacting if he hadn't promised pregnancy.  "I would never want my children having a father like you," Clare yells, and I forgive her for every annoying thing she's said and done this season. #WomenUnite

"Whew, I'm glad I didn't pick her," Juan Pablo says out loud to an audience of millions.

Clare takes the rejection boat back to shore

possibly passing Nikki on the winner (sort of) vessel.

During her, slow, nervous march toward her future, Nikki pukes in the bushes. Fine, I made that up. But it would have been awesome had it actually happened.

She does say, "I want Juan Pablo to tell me that he loves me. I want that so bad."

What he actually says isn't quite what she expects.

"I love so many things about you. I love how much you care about other people. I love your honesty." So close.

"I'm not a hundred percent sure that I want to propose to you. But at the same time, I'm 100% sure that I don't want to let you go, " he says, and finally adds, "I like you a lot." AND THEN HE WINKS.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

"Will you accept my final rose?" Juan Pablo asks Nikki.

Despite her better judgment, self respect, and hopes and dreams, she accepts.

So there's that, the train wreck we've all spent the season waiting for.

But wait. There's more.

"We have never seen a finale quite like the one we just watched," says Chris Harrison to introduce the After The Final Rose Special Event.

First up in the hot seat: Clare

Clare spends the conversation echoing herself.  "It wasn't easy. Wasn't easy." "He's not the man I thought he was. Not the man I thought he was."  When Chris asks if Clare would like to speak with Juan, she says she has closure enough and declines. The crowd reacts warmly.

"You go girl," says Kelly with her face.

Kell, why haven't you called?

Next up: Juan Pablo

"It is what it is," he says as a defense when asked about whispering obscenities to a woman in a helicopter.

Even if it is what it is, whatever it is, it's not okay.

"I'm straightforward," he continues, and then says, "Can I talk?" when Chris Harrison tries to interject with a question. This is only the tip of the awkward iceberg.

Chris is not amused.

Next up: Nikki

"Is he in love with you?" Chris Harrison asks. "Ummm....I dunno" she replies."

This is shocking.

Then Juan Pablo joins Nikki and spends the next half hour turning Chris Harrison's plugs gray.

Juan Pablo does not understand why it's so important to say he loves Nikki.

"I feel fantastic about this woman," Juan says.
"But how do you feel about her?" Chris tries again. Juan repeats himself.
"So you love her?" Chris begs.
"I'm not going to answer that question" Juan defies.

And then when Chris tries to ask another question, Juan says, "Wait. You're going to interrupt me again."

Juan launches into a diatribe about his boxing coach and receiving text messages on his computer. It makes zero sense even after factoring in a language barrier. 

Nikki has yet to say a word. 

"So you're not going to say you love this woman?" Chris says, fighting an aneurism. 

Then turns to the sages of love, former Bachelor contestants.

"Just say it so we can all go home" they all think.

A truly exasperated Mr. Harrison finally asks Nikki how she feels about all of this. 

"Is it a fairytale? Yes. It is. But this is a real relationship to us," she declares, 

frustrating Chris to the point of actually getting up and walking away during commercial.

Chris finally chooses to ignore the obstinance, put on his game face and say, "They are engaged and clearly in love."

It really just spirals out of control from there.

Juan Pablo says they want to keep their relationship private. This would be a reasonable request if this were not The Bachelor. But this is The Bachelor. The entire premise of the show is making private moments public, up until man and wife say "I do" in the wedding ceremony ABC pays for. We've watched you meet. We've watched you fall in love. We've spent 20 hours watching your completely dysfunctional relationship unfold. Some of us have spent untold hours beyond that blogging this entire adventure. The least you can do is lie and say you're in love, gosh dangit.  

"I'm not going to lie. I'm okay moving on," Chris finally concludes.

Honestly, I could not agree more. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a nap until May, when The Bachelorette staring Andi premieres.

I hope the good folks at ABC have vetted Andi a little more carefully than they did Juan Pablo. Ah, who am I kidding. I hope it's a complete disaster. See you there.