This week started with a meeting of the Cult of Bros, led by the Grand Chief, The Bro of All Bros, Chris Harrison.
Are they sipping absinthe?
Mr. Harrison announces the forthcoming three dates. One group date and two one-on-one dates.
It's perplexing math for some:
Then Chrissy mic drops and presents the first date card which reads:
Eric is enthused.
The gang bids the lovebirds farewell and half of them take off their shirts for absolutely no apparent reason.
The left side of this photo must be significantly colder than the right.
Eric and Andi drive to the beach and do beachy things.
Just when things are seeming too nice and normal, Andi slyly says to the camera, "He has no idea what's about to happen," which is just what they all say right before a helicopter shows up.
Chris Harrison has the entire chopper industry on retainer
Eric and Andi try and act like they aren't the thousandth Bachelor Couple to sit in those same seats while admiring the pollution-lined Los Angeles skyline.
"Eric is an adventurous guy and this is an adventurous date," Andi says as they land atop a snow-covered mountain.
They do snowy things for a while.
Direct hit to Eric's chest
And then, wait, what's this? A ramp? A halfpipe? A professional snowboard instructor? What are the chances? The same chances as seeing a helicopter at least seven more times this season.
Under that helmet is Louie Vito, who, according to Wikipedia, is an "American professional snowboarder, Olympian, and Winter X Games and U.S. Grand Prix Champion."
Louie wastes his time and talent trying to teach a complete novice how to slide down a mountain before giving up and wishing Eric luck.
"It's going to be a very curse-filled date," Andi says to her Mormon man.
Then Andi pulls out a thermos,
and the pair pose for a JC Penny catalog.
Later, at what looks like a soap opera set, Eric tells Andi about the time he spent in Syria, and a shockingly relevant and interesting conversation ensues.
Neither party touches their delicious-looking meal.
Come on, guys. Some cow had to die for this plate.
Eric gets a rose because let's face it, Eric is pretty great.
Back at the mansion the group date card arrives and reads:
The men get pumped when they realize the difference between "bear" and "bare".
"I will bare anything for Andi," says Cody.
But it won't just be for Andi, Codester. It's for the other dudes AND a live audience.
The Men of Hollywood dancers, AKA the professionals whose work is about to be disgraced.
The striptease these guys are about to put on, or take off as it were, is for charity, guys. Because as we well know, it's fine to do anything, even take off all your clothes, so long as proceeds go to charity.
"Today we're going to expose you gentlemen...to the world of male exotic dancing," jokes this guy who looks like the sidekick to a Bond Villian.
"We gotta sample the goods," says Andi while watching these poor guys try their hardest to impress.
Though not everyone is hating it. "Maybe I've practiced moves in the mirror, once or twice," says Tasos.
Maybe there are some things you shouldn't share on television
Magic Cody", as he's started to calling himself, kisses both swollen biceps, says they're for charity, then lifts up his shirt and says, "This is for Andi." What a treat. Earlier, Cody declared, I've been working hard on my body, so it will be nice to show that off for Andi today."
How much creatine powder is too much creatine powder?
The men prepare for the big performance.
Then it's show time.
It's worth noting that Craig continually mentions his fondness for Josh. "Josh is a stud. He's kind of the full package. He is incredible," Craig says. Some tricky editing has this narration over Josh stripping, and I, for one, make all kinds of assumptions. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
There are some stand out performances:
Josh the Cowboy
Nick the Robot
After the robot malfunctions
An actual fireman pretending to be a fake fireman
Army Men. Look at Tasos' face. He's loving this.
The Aviator.
The crowd can't get enough:
But the network censors can, so it's cut to the date's evening portion in some random mansion.
Craig has had a bit too much of the seemingly endless supply of alcohol on set and continues to gush about Josh.
"Josh is a stud, dude, like I love Josh's face so much."
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Back at the dude ranch....hahahahaha....get it? The next date card arrives.
Chris is mildly enthused.
Craig pours himself another shot
And makes the ill-advised decision to go for a swim.
I hope that watch isn't worth much.
Andi finds the whole drunken episode to be very distressing
but quickly gets over it and awards Marcus the rose.
The next morning it's off to the races.
Complete with retro clothing and mint juleps.
The couple next to Andi and Chris in the VIP box can clearly see an entire camera crew but pretend not to and ask how long the two youngsters have been together. I wonder how much the producers paid them.
That night Andi and Chris have a serious talk over dinner they don't eat.
Andi's serious take face:
Chris's serious talk face:
You know what they say. Bring up your damaged past, get a rose fast.
"I have one more little surprise," Andi says and the faintest hint of guitar becomes increasingly audible as she leads Chris to a stage where a band you've never heard of tries desperately to get America to buy their single on iTunes.
They call themselves This Wild Life
It sounds like Dashboard Confessional meets that band you were in for a month in high school. But that doesn't kill the mood for Andi and Chris who share the first kiss of the season.
And the second. And third.
Finally, the Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party wherein Marquel wears a rad tie:
Andi and Josh make out in the shadows
Nobody tell Craig
And Chris tries to redeem himself for his drunkardness with zero guitar or vocal skills.
A for effort, buddy
Then it's another meeting of the Cult of Bros, this time led by Madam Andi, The Giver of Roses.
Imagine the cologne wafting from that semi-circle
Three men are left standing without roses.
Firefighter Carl, who now must face his fellow firemen after making a mockery of their uniform.
Nick S., who is probably regretting his shirt choice.
And Craig, who says his poor choices will haunt him forever but probably will land him a spot on Bachelor Pad.
"Cheers to next week!," toasts Andi.
See you then.
