Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The Bachelorette Finale: Jeanette

Sorry for the delay, guys. I have lots of excuses, like my sister coming home after eighteen months away, my husband taking the bar exam, a reemergence of morning sickness, and Project Runway being on, but the truth is, I needed some distance from the finale to be not furious anymore. As hard as I try to remain cynical about this dumb dumb dumb show, inevitably by the end of every season I've become overly attached to one of the remaining men or women, and if they're not chosen... I don't handle it well. So it is with Nick. I know rooting for Nick puts me in something like a 5% minority, but I really think Andi messed up and I really think Nick should not be shamed for saying what he said in his final conversation with Andi. I guess I'm still furious. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's backup.

They call this a "live" Bachelorette Finale because Chris Harrison and a bunch of women in a studio audience watch the pre-recorded finale in real time. It's like watching your brother watch Power Rangers and calling that episode "live".

So at the start of the very not live footage from months before, It's time for Andi to introduce her two serious boyfriends to her family.

First up, Nick:

Nick says, "I know that Andi's it for me. I love your daughter a lot."

Patty cries. 

Hy gives his blessing.

Andi gives kisses.

Chris Harrison is like, "This is live! We're totally live! Roll tape!"

Josh shows up and rambles for quite a while about how nervous and sweaty he is. 

Josh sits down with the family and says, "Baseball baseball baseball, Andi is cool, baseball baseball baseball."

He asks for Hy's blessing. "Baseball, baseball, baseball, can I marry Andi, baseball?"

Hy gives his blessing. 

Andi gives kisses. 

The next day is the final date for Josh and Andi. 

They do some yachting, 

some thigh caressing, 

and some serious talking. Or as serious as Josh is capable of being, which is not very. 

Josh presents Andi with a gift. You'll never guess what it is. 

A baseball card? What? I don't get it. Does Josh like baseball? Weird that that hasn't been mentioned on the show.

Andi loves it I guess and rewards Josh with some light macking. 

The next day Andi channels 1991 to spend the day with Nick. 

Their activities include off-roading, 

face smashing, 

beverage consuming, 

and serious talking, which is actually pretty serious serious talk. 

Nick has some apprehensions, because, you know, the woman he would like to marry may decide to marry someone else in the next twelve hours. 

Andi says to Nick, "It's going to be alright. It is." Spoiler alert: this is a lie. But Nick believes her and relaxes enough for some light macking and gift giving. 

Nick returned to the spot on the beach where he told Andi he loved her, gathered some sand in a vile, and made a necklace. I assume he's made duplicates and listed them on Etsy. 

"Nick is basically everything I've been looking for in a man," Andi tells the cameras. Given the decision she's about to make, this is a really weird thing to say. 

The next day Andi fulfills her contractual obligation with JC Penney's nightie department.

Nick reminds us that there's a pretty chiseled body under all those blazers and patterned tops he wears. 

And Josh wonders how many baseball mentions is too many baseball mentions for a proposal. 

Andi thinks hard about the choice she's about to make. Or wonders what's for breakfast.

Then the real star of this whole franchise, Neil Lane, in the flesh, pays Josh a visit so Josh can pick a ring. 

When Nick hears a knock on his door, he, and we, assume it's Mr. Lane with a briefcase full of diamonds. But it's not. 

It's Andi with a huge smile on her face because ugh she's the worst. 

Random audience member with minion nails knows what I mean. 

It's never a good sign when The Bachelor/Bachelorette shows up at your door the day of proposals. In the many years I've watched this program, it's only ever meant a dumping is about to ensue. Clearly, Nick knows this. Andi continues to smile. Get it together, woman. 

"I woke up this morning and felt that something wasn't right," Andi tells Nick. She says that a life with him would be a life of overanalyzing everything. That on their date she just wanted to have a good time but he couldn't relax. So weird that Nick would have nerves THE DAY BEFORE POSSIBLY GETTING ENGAGED. 

A confused Nick asks why she said the things she said, acted so in love, and reassured him he was the one. 

Andi offers no good answers but instead a series of upset faces,

and eventually drives away in tears. You want to know what I think? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway. I think Andi got scared. She says Nick is everything she's been looking for in a man, that she feels things with him she's never felt in her life, and that their relationship is one of passion. And that's terrifying, and she's tired of thinking, and she just wants to smile and not have to move from Atlanta and so she plays it safe. 

Nick, understandably, isn't doing great. 

"I really thought she loved me," he tells the camera. I did too, dude. 

Random audience member be like, "Love is dead."

But Andi wipes away the tears, puts on a fancy dress, and meets Josh on a Caribbean dock. Josh talks for a good twenty minutes about nothing before giving Andi the chance to speak.  

Andi takes her sweet time getting to the point, the point being that she loves Josh. His reaction looks like this:

They kiss for what feels like forever when you're watching at 11:59 pm on DVR and really just want to go to bed, until finally, 

Josh presents his Neil Lane treasure.

"Andi Jeanette Dorfman, will you marry me?", he asks, and he does deserve some credit for learning her middle name. 

She of course accepts. 

They seem perfectly happy. Fine. Great. Whatever. I don't have a problem with two goofy people ending up together. I do have a problem with the poor boy in the gingham shirt crying his way to the airport because the love of his life just slipped through his fingers. 

During the After The Final Rose, Chris Harrison acknowledges just how hurt Nick was. He says Nick really fell in love with Andi, more in love than they've ever seen on the show, which is actually really telling about the show, amirite?

So let's exploit Nick's pain and catch up with him in Wisconsin. Nick is not doing great. 

Nick's mom is not doing great. Everyone is hurt and saddened by the torment Nick is going through. 

Everyone but Andi, who refuses to speak with him. Twice. 

Out of options, Nick leaves a letter with Chris Harrison to give to Andi,

and hopes that she'll read it before their on-camera confrontation. 

Nick shows up to the ATFR looking jittery, tired, and all around frazzled. 

When Andi joins him on the couch, he can barely look at her face. 

And he can barely ask a coherent question without help from Chris Harrison, who eventually steps in and asks Andi if she loved Nick. 

"I was not in love with him," Andi answers. To which Nick says, "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love with me." Okay. Was this the best thing to say live in front of millions of people? Probably not. But let's keep in mind that Nick tried twice before this moment to talk with Andi in a more private setting. I don't know if Andi has ever been dumped, but she should know that dumpees have a tendency to say unpredictable and perhaps inappropriate statements in the name of finding closure. And are we really all pretending to not know what happens in the Fantasy Suite? Really? You thought they spent the night talking and playing Scrabble? Puh-lease. 

Andi says Nick's question is below the belt and a matter that should remain private, which is funny coming from the woman who allows a camera crew outside the window of her Fantasy Suite. My interpretation of this terribly awkward in encounter is this: Nick took their night together very seriously. It meant a lot to him, and he assumed it meant a lot to Andi. That's not something we should fault him for now is it. 

There's a few more moments of awkward, then we say goodbye to a possibly more damaged Nick forever. 

After a commercial break and shameless promotional segment for Bachelor in Paradise, Josh joins Andi on the stage. The couple is unbearably touchy, giggly, and perfectly happy. Fine. Great. Whatever. 

In honor of Andi's infamous frown, Chris Harrison presents Grumpy Cat, arguably the internet's biggest star, and Andi does not know who he is. Grumpy Cat. She has never heard of Grumpy Cat. And it's the final nail in the coffin. Andi, I thought I knew what kind of woman you were. 

I will not be recapping Bachelor in Paradise, because I don't think I can handle watching Bachelor in Paradise. However, even though we have yet to find out who the next Bachelor is(?!), I plan to cover the 2015 season. See you there!


  1. Does anyone else remember in the very first episode Andi saying that she has dated professional athletes before and it always ends terribly and she really wants to break her streak? Let's just say that karma isn't finished with this one, and I hope TMZ is there to capture it all when it goes down. It's gonna be awesome.

    Thanks for the laughs, ma'am, looking forward to plenty more!

  2. This is the best blog ever! Thank you for your amazing posts. But can you please re-cap the Men Tell All? There were a lot of gems in that episode, and I would love to hear your comments on some of those cringe-worthy moments :)

  3. Oh c'mon!!! You know you're gonna watch Bachelor in Paradise!!! That's like saying you're going to drive past a train wreck and not look. It's just not possible.
    I'll be watching - all the while making fun of it and talking about how dumb it is, but then inevitably watching it again the next week. :)
    Can't wait for your next series of recaps. The truly are better than the actual show!

  4. I'm with you. After that finale I never watched the show again because I was so mad at Andi! She led Nick on and then acted like she never loved him. I know this show is really dumb, but at least past bachelors/bachelorettes had the decency to say that they had real feelings for the final people rather than acting like they did and then saying they never did. Rude.

    That being said I now get my bachelor fix by reading your recaps so thanks!!